Growing up, I have always been in the spotlight, with competitions and my writing. Envy felt like a part of my life, and I got used to it. Nothing could break me. Perks of growing up in an Indian household with aunties and relatives being on your back the whole time!
But yesterday and today, I received tons of messages as comments, and trust me when I say this: hate isn’t the word I would use for that. I held onto it with a grain of salt and ignored it, more so because in the social media era, it’s common, but there was a feeling inside me that I couldn’t pinpoint, a feeling that it was someone I knew.
That would be devastating even for me.
I went into “gossip girl” mode with my friends, and they kept telling me I was overthinking as usual. Then another series of comments followed, calling me a slut, and a whore, and using all the slurs in the English dictionary, to bringing up my descendants, my parents, and even comments on my dating life, which is non-existent by the way!
Every time I put those comments in spam, I was this close to losing my mind. I wanted to reach out to that person to ask if he or she was okay. Creating a fake email with my username and then commenting on my posts felt more like personal vengeance to me, or he is utterly jobless.
But I didn’t reply or respond because I felt like it wasn’t worth it.
Yes , I know I have another set of amazing readers and friends whose empathetic voices I can hear inside my head screaming at me to ignore that person.
But I can’t, because it does affect you. I am not a brick, I have feelings too; I feel a lot, and this made me question a lot of things: should I have started this blog; was my poetry better hidden from the world; did I hurt someone so much that he was ready to go to this extent?
Am I a good person, or is my poetry sheer luck, as he calls it?
This feels like chaos, but all those thoughts came rushing into my mind when I read that.
Now, I know what most of you guys are thinking: she has unresolved insecurities. I don’t, because I am in a very good space.
But when I read a series of 15–20 essay comments by one person, all those insecurities that I had dealt with and had locked inside some deep chamber of my brain came back.
Am I ranting? Did it affect me? yes
Short and simple.
Because it straight up felt like bullying and pushing me into a corner, knowing exactly what buttons to push to trigger me.
and that makes me wonder. it’s a person who knows me or a sadist internet troll.
maybe that part hurt more, if it was a nameless troll hiding behind a computer screen saying my poetry sucks, I wouldn’t be so affected.
How did he know which buttons to push? So, I was adamant it was someone I knew.
So here I was going through my friends list to figure out who the person was. I went through all the scenarios, and I couldn’t find that person.
Would I like to know who it is? no,
because no matter who the person is—even if it’s a troll—he got me engagement and views.
for that, I am grateful.
and after a lot of unpaid therapy sessions with my friends, I figured it wasn’t someone I know.
because no one I know would go to this extent.
A troll who went through all my poems and writings, seeking inspiration from his life and wrote long paras for me , its romantic !!!
I am intrigued!!! Honestly in some fucked up universe, I would have even admired that person…Just kidding!!
and I had to remind myself that I am worth a lot of things and that my poetry is an expression of my imagination. maybe it’s sheer luck, but I am glad I have that luck and some amazing people who made me the person that I am today.
Why am I ranting like this? because it made me feel a lot of things, anxiety and dread are two of them.
Why am I posting it?
I don’t know, honestly; I can give the textbook answer that I want people to be sympathetic and have better things to do.
and I am sorry that you decided to vent all your anger on my page with some very , brutal wild and vulgar messages.
but thank you for the engagement.
you are my well-wisher!
This topic ends here , because I am not letting a nameless Internet troll who is probably drunk , keeps thinking about me to live in my head rent-free !!! I knew I had to write it out to let it all out !!;
I also found some very important learnings from this encounter , you need good people around you or its very easy to go down the spiral of insecurities and self hate .
And things affect people more in ways that people can’t imagine.It’s important to have criticism, but there’s a very big difference between criticism and hatred.
(yes, please shower me with healthy criticism; I need it.)
and no, I am not playing the self-pity card on getting hate. I knew long ago that on social media I would get hate, and I’m not going to take it personally, but this time it got to me. Next time, I will try to be better.
And I am going to take this opportunity to grow, because I have a lot to unlearn and learn.
So, I am going to focus on the good things, my beloved readers, and my good friends, and I am going to empathize with my haters.
and my “well-wisher” who spammed my comment section thank you for the content and a topic to write a blog on!
Please keep inspiring me to write because I am planning to stick around for a long while …
Lots of love…..
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