I write poetry with a clear head, and my blogs are potentially written when I am vulnerable.
Now, I guess I am vulnerable and overthinking, so that definitely calls for a blog.
For me, writing as a memory is associated with my mother, because she taught me how to write, and so writing on this topic makes it even more difficult.
It took me a lot of courage to start this blog, and I am exhausted and scared to put myself out there.
The blog was an escape for me. Not to face the real world, I guess?
This whole year was excruciatingly difficult for me.
Because death came knocking on my door and it was to visit my close ones.
I wish I could romanticise death as they do in movies and books, but I can’t!
How do you deal with the anxiety and grief of such complex emotions?
Every time I thought I could pick myself up from the ashes and patch myself up, it came knocking on my door again.
Loosing people isn’t easy; you feel like it gets better every time, but boy, are you wrong.
There’s no standard equation for dealing with death.
There’s no right way to grieve. You eventually have to find peace, and sometimes the memories keep haunting you.
I had made peace with death.
Until I saw it putting claws on my mother,
That honestly scared and scarred me.
Call it a privilege, but I never thought of losing my parents. I always thought they would be there as a constant with me. Even the thought of losing them never entered my head.
And the last couple of months have been a haywire in themselves.
I can’t describe the feeling of sitting outside hospitals, talking to doctors, and having to be an adult when all I want to be is a kid.
But I knew I had to put the mask on, so I moved cities to be closer to my parents and made sure I was there for every hospital visit.
It was frightening; every test result and every diagnosis was nerve-wracking.
The number of experts we saw was insane.
But I had to pretend I was okay because someone had to be strong.
I would be lying if I said I didn’t have bad days, but I knew it would get better some day.
So I held onto that hope.
Hope has an amazing placebo effect; it makes you feel good.
But it also helps you understand what is important.
And I understood that my parents were my number one priority.
Why am I writing this at 2:30 in the night?
Because today we are back home, and my mother is okay, safe but not perfectly healthy, but I am grateful and not complaining.
I feel a lot of emotions, and the past week has been anything but turmoil.
And on those days, I am grateful for the friends I have.
I was a planner all my life, but this experience put things in perspective for me.
Why am I putting this out there? Because if someone reading this now understands the emotions that you are going through, it is pretty normal.
sadness, confusion, anger, weirdness, anxiety, feeling left out and neglected, guilt, and being overwhelmed.
I have been there, and I understand you.
Do I exactly know what you are going through? No, because every person feels it differently, but you aren’t alone.
On one side, I am eternally grateful; on the other, I am anxious too.
But I guess that’s okay.
But I have also noticed we don’t speak enough about these moments.
We don’t let the world see how vulnerable we are as people.
So let’s be compassionate about people and the times that they go through, because nobody knows what they are going through.
I know it’s a dark topic to talk about, and I will probably wake up tomorrow morning and think why did I go dark again , but I want it to be out there !!
But, I also want to celebrate the lessons that I learned through the friends that stayed with me and cheered me up.
Because I would have been a disaster if not for them.
Am I suggesting that this traumatic experience is something extraordinary?
No, because even now when I think about what I went through last month, especially last week, it was traumatising, but it did make me stronger and a bit more mature.
I also don’t know how to conclude on this because I feel like there’s no certain way to end things on topics like these.
You just have to deal with it and figure it out, and even if you do, some days are just hard..
The thoughts keep coming back and everytime it’s much scarier but I also comfort myself saying , you are strong enough to handle it. You have people to rely on and you will survive it
Just like you my friend , who is reading this
I hope you don’t go through what I went through , but I also know if you did you are strong and I am here for you….
So, here’s something I wrote during that time,
“You are like an albatross soaring the high into
Spreading happiness and wittiness spotlessly with,
The dreams of an untainted, yet childlike innocent kid at heart
The paper heart filled with art,
Full of colours , empathy and thought
A canvas to paint with so many feelings to express,
Yet when i look at you everything else seem so bland
Your light and smile hits people so hard
That you want to reciprocate
When the snowy numbness crawls on us
You are the ray of light that i turn to,
White salty tears make it’s final fall
You become my tumbler
You are the piece of my life that conceals the lifeless life ,
You are more of an anchor than a friend
To forever and always till the end “
So stay strong and lots of love,
See you in the next bloggg;!!!!
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42 thoughts on “Death”
a very lovely poem.
beautifully expressed 🤍
Thankuuu it means a lot
most welcome 🤍
This brought tears to my eyes. I hope you and your family stay healthy 💗🙏🏻
Thanku that’s very sweet of you
A beautifully written blog. You were vulnerable, open, raw. Most of us know the feeling of loss. I wish you the best in your grieving. I wish your mom the best in her healing.
Thankuu this means a lot
You write so beautifully, love it
Thanku it means a lott
Love the way you express your emotions and describe the world around you.
Hope is our placebo, yes, but it makes our days more meaningful and helps us stay strong and ‘normal’ in challenging situations.
Power your way.
This made my day
Comments from beautiful people like you helps me to keep going
You’re welcome and I’m glad I brightened your day in some way. Stay strong.
This is just heartful. Very beautiful
Thanku it means a lott
Glad your mom is okay, hope her health continues to improve.
Thanku it means a lot
Thankuuuu it means a lot
I am sorry you had to go through so much but i am also glad you didn’t try to hide your vulnerability. Proud of you. May you and your family be blessed with peace and good health
Thankuuuu it means a lot !! Kind words motivate you to do better
I’m happy for your mother that she has a loving child such as you. I’m happy for you that you are surrounded by a circle of friends who are there for more than just the good times. I am envious of both of you.
Thanku and i m so sorry
But i m here for you
This is deep and encouraging.
Lost both of my parents. The most recent was my Father around last year October. Death knocks on your door in the most unperturbed way. But once we grasp that its our only requisite way towards life, our souls tend to calm. For we all will soar.
I m so sorry that you had to go through that
What you said is absolutely right we just have to hang in there
Eventually it will be okay
Lots of love
Keep putting yourself out there/here. Your writing is beautifully honest and authentic.
Thankuu i appreciate ittt!!!
It’s a tough read. The pain is palpable.
You must be feeling good that You have poured out your heart. Your story strengthens others
I can so so relate to you that it felt like I wrote this. I feel safer as I think about your existence.
I m so sorry that you had to go through this !!!
I m here , i m pretty sure a lot of others are there tooo
So hang in there
Lots of love
You are loved and seen
No I know that I am not alone .
By the way that a nice poem 🌸
Thanku means a lot
Beautifully done ❤️
Thanku so much